Reflection does wonders. It's so obvious and validating now to re-read my journal entries...
UNDERSTANDING WHY i was so frustrated with love and trust.
I had learned it all backwards from the fuckhead narcissistic cunt that is the woman who gave birth to me,.,
BPD is dark, embedded, unyielding and inflexible.
It helps remind me that the feelings I have now, are the same from my journal entries from 2010...the same journal entries HERE from 2006, and the memories I have growing up.
It's been right here the whole time.
I'm finally strong enough to step back and see the whole picture.
And to finally remove myself completely from it.
Mindfulness is tricky, but when reminded, it never fails to work. I feel a sense of calm, of letting go that I had never previously experienced in my lifetime.
I need to remember always that the wind will blow where it will, the trees will shake, the grass will cower, the plains will flood.
"Your bible, when left in the rain, will tarnish and tear. My bible is the rain."
~ A Najavo woman elder
Everything cycles...that is all we can rely upon.
In times of sorrow and severe doubt, I will think of a circle. Meditating on the circle and it's meaning. That, for me, symbolizes life. Energy never perishes, it moves, it's transferred. It transforms into a new shape, color, size. It becomes lighter or darker. The wind dies, but it will come back. Water falls, and finds it's way back to the atmosphere.
This, you say, is mere science. This, I say, is where I find god.
It gives me peace that I am one with nature, one with the universe. I am part of the puzzle. I am not detached.
I am letting be, in attempts to attain the wisdom to accept what will be will be. I have the character strength in which to live a purposeful and loving life, it is the big picture, what happens after we "shake this mortal coil" that gives my mind no rest. I feel I am getting there day by day.
A Circle. The Sun, the moon, the planets. To understand is to tune in to what drives them.
If being left in the dark, the Christian "Hell", is indeed what I've heard it described as the absence of god, then I want to feel light. Light and water are what began Life here on Earth. I think that is where I want to begin my new journey.
FUCK YOU Myspace. FUCK YOU Facebook. THIS is where my true heart lies.
No creepy people from high school here. *looks around* Nada.
No pervs or annoying, pardon my lament term here, "sucky" bands.
No "REQUESTS" of any fucking kind!!!!!!!
Ah, the sweet perfume that freedom wafts into my nostrils. You know what I <3 about this place? Not a damn person living or otherwise, knows who I am! Do you? No, probably not. This doesn't mean I love you any less, but merely love my anonymity more.
I will be here blogging, journal, whatever the fuck you want to call it. This is where it's at, yes. I think I should start a new journal, linked to the old one, but making things fresh. Oh, I love that word. Fresh. Say it - "fresh".
I <3 you LiveJournal and always will. You were my first...and you never forget your first. ;)
So yeah about 2 days after my last post, my boss pulled me into her office to tell me...
I GOT THE OVERNIGHT GIG!!! YAYAYAYAYAY!!! I've been waiting 2 years for this!
So of course I'm staying in LAX. I haven't been here much b.c. unfortunately we have accounts on another competing blog site. So I've spent alot of time there. But I wanted to post it so it's on record. Oh and I got a fabulous roommate, a guy. And I'm crushing bad on this guy from BRF who's into the exact same music I am, is a big sweetheart and looks like a cross between Chris Daughtry with Jack Johnson's lips. DAAAYUM. *sigh* I'm happy. Just totally happy. I don't think I've said that in the like 4 years I've had this journal, that I'm just honestly happy with my whole life.
**hugs for all**
I knew something like this would happen, and for ONCE in my life, I was prepared for it!!
I got a letter from my EX landlords today, stating that they had taken my deposit and spent it on my prorated rent for April (which I had planned) and that they charged me $65 in late fees b.c. I didn't pay it on the 1st (TECHNICALLY it said it my letter that it was owed before I moved out, so really they shouldn't have, but I really don't care to argue that matter).
They had also taken out $5 to replace the blinds. I would gladly pay for that. Everyday I came home, Hedwig would get up on the bench and pull down the blinds to watch me come up the stairs to the door. **Teen Girl Squad voice** SOOOO CEEYUTEE. ^^
Anyway, so I read the letter and noticed they were going to charge me about $100 to clean this god-forsaken hell hole. They said they had to clean for 3 hours and were going to charge me about $35/hr. So at first I got really really fucking pissed off. Then, I took a second and thought clearly for the first time with these guys. (well techincally the second, okay new paragraph...)
They sent me another letter in Feburary, in the winter, saying that me and my neighbor didn't clean the sidewalk after a snow and that we owed her abot $150 for the city to clean it, but I said I wouldn't pay it b.c the fucking picture on the letter from the city had a completely different house on it! I wasn't going to pay without photographic evidence! Who would?? I was very rational and matter of fact about the situation. So she got pissed when I called her and told her I wouldn't. They never answer their phones, so left her a Voicemail and there was some phone tag over the course of about 10 min that ended with her yelling and hanging up on me. Good way to do business I think. Very professional. We got a letter about a month later, saying that the "sidewalk issue" wasn't important right now, but if she heard anything from the city that we would owe her money. Sure. Okay. This is what I've dealt with for 2 years and had just finally started sticking up for myself.
On with the NEW letter...I WAS thinking clearly. They said I still owed them about $75. I had been smart this time around. I had taken pictures of my freshly scrubbed apartment, everything. Carpet, bathtub, mirrors, window ledges, stove, living room, etc. I called her and told her this in my message on her phone (they don't answer remember??). I said,..."so I'm all set, you let me know if you want to take this to court, because technially you would owe me about $30, plus the court costs, b.c. of course I would win. So let me know, BYE :) !!"
So I'm downstairs doing laundry when she called I guess. I get upstairs and there's a new VM from her. She says, "We just want you to stop calling us. Just whatever, you're really annoying, stop calling. We wish you the best. Goodbye."
LOLOLOLOLOLOL YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! Stop calling us! LMAO Because I was FINALLY after 2 years onto their shit and I wasn't going to take it anymore! They realized they couldn't take advantage of me anymore. I was so happy and for once in a long time, proud of myself. If it were more than $30, I would so take their ass to court. They can't afford it, neither can I, but again, if it were a larger amount, it would so be worth it with these guys.
I <3 my new apartment. ^^
I've had like 4 ppl come out and look at my place and two of them never called and they said they would. Dude...it's like that asshole guy that says he'll call and never will. If you don't plan on calling, don't say you "...will call tomorrow!" My place is super nice too, it's just like about 8-10 min to the school and people are fucking lazy. I'm just pissed...Actually it might be for the best because if I'm going to move...but if I don't move till next Spring I think Janelle (a girl I work with, who's going home for summer, and doesn't have anywhere to move in next Fall...) might move in for next school year. That would rock, but we'll see.
In summary...college kids are indeed lazy and dumb. I know...I used to be one.
I moved to La Crescent just across the river. I didn't get the overnight gig, which means that I'll have to start looking to move within the next 6 months to a year. In the meantime, I think I'll start possibly doing floor crew work with the local CBS station or having Shaun help me get started on voiceover work. Bottom line, I need to get out of here to get on with my career. As much as I really like it here in La Crosse, I'm starting to get bored with it. I think that's a sign. I'm getting too comfortable.
In my new fabulous place (I have a freakin' dishwaser and a fireplace!!), I have the internet. It's...um...kick ass having a lappy. hehe Finally, I mean Christ almighty. I've been trying to get the internet at home since I moved from my parents house 3 yrs ago.
Filling in for Shaun for the next couple of weeks on nights until we find a morning show. It's pretty demanding of my phone and board skills, and I love it. And pre-production for the show too, which is gonna kick ass that I'll have something to show for, should a PD need it in the future. I'm so grateful for Shaun. He's really willing to help me out. I just need to shed myself of any attitude or ego and totally absorb everything he tells me and guides me on. He told Jen he'd help me get a full-time gig by Fall if she didn't give me one. So, she missed out, and some PD is gonna get really lucky when they get me. ^_^
Okay so more like a quick, long-like update...
OMG...i totally just poured my heart and soul here...and I clicked on something else, and it didn't save it. It was long...and happy...
Point is...I'm really happy right now...if I feel like typing it all again, I may. But that's what's important at this particular moment.